Letters to the Darkness
by Hopeakaarme
Summary: Remus has betrayed them all. They write letters to him. Very angst, implied SLASH (HPSS, RLSB). COMPLETE
1. Apology

Letters to the Darkness  
  
.:¤"¤:.  
  
Remus,  
  
my love of life.  
  
I miss you so damn much. I just want to have you here with me, to hold you, to wrap my arms around you, to keep you near to me forever.  
  
I don't cry. Tears don't come, no matter how much I'm longing for them. It would be so much easier to me, if I only was able to cry for you, like Harry does. But I can't. I've lost my ability to cry, I lost it in Azkaban, when I was dead to everyone else in the world.  
  
In Azkaban my soul died. You made it live again. You made *me* live again, blew life into that soulless, heartless excuse of a man I was. You made me alive, you made me complete. You shared my name, you shared my life, you shared my heart. My soul.  
  
Now I'm without you... And I'm dying from the inside.  
  
Come back, Remus. Come back to me. I beg you.  
  
Everything reminds me of you. When I first wake up in the morning, you aren't there, laying next to me. When I eat, you aren't there to laugh at my odd taste of food. When I walk outside, I miss your familiar form that used to walk next to me. When I'm sitting with others at night, you aren't there to snuggle up in my lap, falling asleep on my arms in front of the fireplace.  
  
Your scent has faded away from my pillow. When I'm falling asleep, the bed is empty amd cold. I have no one to hold, no one to love, no one to warm me when I'm cold and sad. You were everywhere, always, and now you aren't.  
  
Now I'm alone.  
  
What made you do that, Remus? Why couldn't you talk to us at first? You only left us, without saying a single word. Not any reasons, no explanations. Only knowledge that you had left us.  
  
I didn't know at first that you had gone. When I went to the bed and you hadn't arrived yet I thought something was holding you back and I'd wake up next to your warm little body, I would wake up with your slim, yet strong arms around my neck, the sound of your breathing echoing in the darkness.  
  
Little did I know that I'd never again wake up with you. Fall asleep with you. Touch you. Talk with you.  
  
Congratulations, Remus. You've done the impossible. I'm crying now, believe it or not. And it's only for you.  
  
Teardrops are making this letter damp. I have to finish this before it's messed up and I have to start again. If I'd start again, I'd never get the letter written.  
  
I'm crying for you, Remus. Wherever you are on this moment, whatever you're doing - remember that people are crying for you. And people love you, no matter what you did.  
  
I love you, Remus Black. Merlin help my heart, but I do. I've always done, and I still do. No matter what you did - left us, broke my heart, made my whole world shatter into tiny, tiny pieces that can't be fixed - no matter what you did, I can't stop loving you.  
  
Circe, Remus, why? Why did you do it? You knew it was wrong. That we'd all miss you, blame you, feel sorry for you. You knew there was an option, and still you chose the darkness.  
  
I love you, Remus Black, the man who's carrying my name, and I'll forever love you. I don't care what the others say, I still love you.  
  
Come back, Remus. I love you.  
  
I love you so damn much...  
  
*Sirius Black*  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
Sirius, my love,  
  
and all you others,  
  
I don't want to write this letter. It isn't easy to write at all. I know you'll all probably hate me after reading this, and I can't blame you - I can't blame you at all.  
  
You've maybe noticed that something has been disturbing me for a while.   
  
You at least have, Sirius. You asked what was wrong with me. I didn't reply, I changed the topic, gently enough to not make you doubt. I didn't reply, because I didn't know even myself.  
  
Now I know. Oh, Merlin, how I wish I didn't. That I didn't have to break you these news.  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
I love only you,  
  
and I'll forever love,  
  
I'll never forget you,  
  
please, forget what I've done.  
  
Love makes you always cry,  
  
she makes you always dream.  
  
She makes you always try  
  
to catch a bright moon beam.  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
Remus Black,  
  
you bloody bastard,  
  
Damn you.  
  
I hate you. I despise you more than you can imagine, because you did this. Did this to me, to Sirius, to everyone.  
  
Why?  
  
I'd never wait anything like this from you. You, the boy perfect. Every teacher's dream student and, eventually, every student's dream teacher. You knew everything. You were good at everything you only bothered to try.You nearly never dismanaged in anything.  
  
Now you did. You messed everything up. You broke my life. My heart is shattered in pieces, and it's your fault.  
  
This is all your fault. Black is wandering around like a restless ghost, and it's your fault.  
  
Harry has cried his eyes red every night, and it's your fault as well.  
  
Young Miss Granger has lost her strong trust in magic and our kind's ability to solve anything. Weasley girl doesn't wear anything but black, and she doesn't eat anything. Dumbledore is depressed, of all the people in the world. Everyone is speaking with hushed voice, and no one dares to mention your name. Your fault, your fault, your fault.  
  
Everything is your fault.  
  
Why, Remus? Why so?  
  
Why did you leave us alone? Why did you go? Why couldn't you be with us, stay here for Black, who loved you more than his own life? Or for Harry, who loved you like another godfather? For everyone of us, who loved you, because you were our friend?  
  
No. You left us. You betrayed us. Betrayed Black, betrayed Harry, betrayed me, betrayed everyone.  
  
Tsk tsk, Mr. Lupin. Not very nice thing to do.  
  
You once asked me why I couldn't call Black by his first name. I told you that all those years he was believed to be a traitor, I couldn't call him anything but Black. When his name was cleared, I just couldn't go around calling him Sirius, like you asked me to do.  
  
Should I now talk about another Black? Should I forget your name completely?  
  
I can't. Merlin help my soul, but I can't, Remus. I want to think that somehow you're still with us. That you didn't leave us.  
  
Harry misses you, just like he'd miss Black. You were there even when Black wasn't. You were the first one of his father's friends he knew. He trusted you before he trusted anyone but his closest friends.  
  
And now you've betrayed him. Don't you have at least some respect towards his trust?  
  
He cries for you. Every night, when he's laying on my arms, he cries for you before he falls asleep. My chest is always wet of tears cried because of you. Every morning he wakes up, still just as tired and restless as before he went to the bed. He loved you, Remus, loved you dearly - just like everyone of us did.  
  
Why did you betray that love, Remus? Why did you do what you did?  
  
You didn't have to. There are always options. If there was an option for me, an option to return to the light, why couldn't you do the same?  
  
Why did you bloody bastard son of a bitch leave us?  
  
I know it's useless to ask questions like that. I know I'll never get answers. I can only sit here, rolling these questions around in my head, forever, if I please. And yet I won't be nearer to any of the answers.  
  
I loved you, Remus. Loved you more than you maybe even knew. Loved you with all my heart, because you were my friend, and because you were important to Harry, because Black loved you, and he is important to Harry.  
  
Now my heart is broken, Black's eyes have lost their focus long time ago, and Harry can't do anything but cry every time something reminds him of you. For that I hate you, Remus Black, and I'd want to see you in the deepest hell of humanity.  
  
We all loved you more than you can ever imagine, Remus. You betrayed that love.  
  
We miss you, Moony.  
  
Come back to us.  
  
*Severus Snape*  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
You noticed it also, Severus. Only few days ago, you noticed my unusual paleness. You asked if I was ill, if you could give me something to make me feel better. I said, "no, I'm fine." And you believed.  
  
I'm surprised, Severus. I've always been an awful liar, especially to you. You always see through my lies - but this time, you didn't. Or, if you did, at least you didn't say anything.   
  
For some time, I've been... slipping into darkness. It's surrounding me, everywhere. It's embracing me, closing me into a suffocating, tight nest there's no escape from.  
  
I don't know if I want to escape. My whole life has been running away; from other people, or from myself. I don't want to flee any more. I'm going to face the darkness, smile to it, and step inside.  
  
I'm going to welcome the darkness in me.  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
I love only you,  
  
I'll never love another,  
  
and you know this too:  
  
The love is sorrow's mother.  
  
Love makes you always cry,  
  
she makes you always dream.  
  
She makes you always try  
  
to catch a bright moon beam.  
  
*^^*^^*^^*  
  
Uncle Moony,  
  
how could you?  
  
We're so alone now. You have always been there when we needed advice, always been ready to support us. You've always helped us with your wise words and calm way to handle everything. You never paniced, Remus. You always knew what to do. When our problems seemed to be invincable, you always saw another way. You always made it all end up the right way.  
  
Why didn't you now see that the way you were going was the wrong one?  
  
I always trusted that you could solve anything. When I was in trouble, I went to Sirius. And if he couldn't help me, I came to you. You were always the person I could turn to when I had problems no one other could solve. Everyone could always turn to you, and you always saw the answer so easily.  
  
Why was it so difficult to you when you yourself had troubles?  
  
Surely there would have been other ways, Uncle Moony. Better ways. You used to say there's always a way to the Light, no matter how long you've been in the Darkness. You used to say that even Lord Voldemort could have found that way, should he ever been interested in it.  
  
Where was your way to light, Moony? And why didn't you want to find it?  
  
How can I ever again believe in anything you've told me? How can I know that you didn't lie to me?  
  
I don't know what I should say. I'm feeling so many things right now. Upset, and bertrayed, most certainly. I'm also shocked, of course. Everyone is - you were the last one we'd ever thought to do anything like this.  
  
I hope this letter reaches you, no matter where you are. I hope there'd be a way to me to get your reply, but I guess there isn't. I can only hope, hope that you're not lost for forever.  
  
But in my heart I know that you'll never return.  
  
I'm even more determined to fight the Dark now. Now, when I know exactly how much it can hurt people.  
  
You've hurt us, Uncle Moony. Hurt us so badly. I'm crying constantly now, I don't seem to be able to stop. Severus doesn't say anything, but I know he's very upset. And Sirius... He looks like he didn't feel anything any more.  
  
I still can't believe you've actually done that.  
  
But I forgive you.  
  
*Harry Potter*  
  
*^^*^^*^^*   
  
I think it's always been in me. Peering over my shoulder, sitting behind my ear, hiding under my cloak. It's whispering into my ear, telling me to do this, to ignore that, to say these words, to forget those.  
  
I've tried to ignore it as well as I can. Sometimes I even think I've managed to make it leave. But every, every single time, it has returned, always even stronger than before.  
  
The darkness.  
  
Werewolves are dark creatures. You all know that very well. We're more inclined to depression than other people - whether it's due to our dark side or our condition itself, I don't know. We're also more inclined to suicidal experiments than other people.  
  
And we're more inclined to the Dark Arts.  
  
*^^*^^*^^*   
  
I love only you,  
  
I'll love you to my death,  
  
this I ask for you:  
  
Merlin help you forget.  
  
Love makes you always try  
  
to get the silver beam.  
  
You make me quiet cry,  
  
you, my fragile daydream.  
  
*^^*^^*^^* 


	2. Explanation

Why I haven't told any of you already? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'd try to turn me off from the direction I'm going to - something you'd surely do. You'd talk to me, try to prove me how many people there are who care about me, who are worried about me, who love me.

Guess what? I don't think I care anymore.

I don't care how many people there are who love me. I know very many. I know you'll all be hurt by my decision. You'll be insulted that I didn't trust you before, that I couldn't tell any of you. But I know you'd be hurt even more if I stayed, and you found it out later. Because I can't tell it to anybody face to face. I'm not able to do that.

()

_Please, I ask you, go away._

_Let me be, do as I say._

_Believe me, I love you so,_

_Sometimes "to love" means "to let go"._

()

Professor Lupin,

Thank you.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but the first thing I could think about saying in this letter is just that. Thank you, for everything you've done to me.

If you were here, you'd most probably give me your familiar, soft laughter, and tell me not to call you professor Lupin, but Remus, or Moony.

But can I really help myself? Even after everything that has happened, everything we've experienced together, I can't even think about calling you by your first name. And why? Because I can't help but look up to you.

I could never call you an equal. You'll always be above me in my mind, my teacher, my mentor, my respected protector and guardian. After my parents died in that car crash and you took the custody over me, I could even less call you Remus, no matter how much you insisted it. Your position as my guardian only confirmed what I'd always known: You were - and are - above me, in every means I could think about. You're more powerful, more intelligent, more forgiving, more compassionate...

More human...

And, most definitely, you're more loved than I could ever be.

You taught me a lot of things, things I don't even see I learned until now. When you held me after my parents' death, allowing me to cry on your shoulder, you taught me that I wasn't an adult yet, that I had the right to be a child in the middle of war also. And like a child I clung on you, the only solid point in the stormy life I was living, the only one I could trust not to go away or betray me or lie to me. You always told me the truth, professor Lupin, never those lies and half-truths the others gave to me.

When you again let me cry on you after Charlie had died on my arms, after I'd lost the only person I truly loved in life, you taught me that even adults have the right to feel, to cry, to be hurt. I'd before learned that not an adult was perfect, but you also taught me that not an adult had to be perfect, either. That feelings are what make us humans, that even the "grownups" can break down and be sad, that no one is unbreakable and no one has to be.

That was what I tried to be - unbreakable. Invincible. I wanted to be like a stone wall, unaffected by anything, considering all with logic and sense from a safe distance. That's the way I am - never willing to show my weakness, never ready to admit I'm wrong, never able to allow something just be without seeking an explanation for it. And you showed me that it was impossible - or possible, but fateful. You reminded how I'd always been horrified by the cold, unfeeling manner in which Severus did everything, and told me that that was what I was currently trying to achieve.

There it is, the proof of my feelings. Severus. I'm calling by his first name the teacher I used to hate desperately, yet I cannot say your given name alone. Why? Because I respect you too much. Because I don't want to drag you down to where I am, for I see you far above myself.

You're the only adult ever I haven't found imperfect. The only adult I've not been disappointed at, lost my trust on - excluding that moment of madness in the Shrieking Shack. You are the one I've never been let down by, or lied to by. You're the only one I still see as some higher being, being everything that I want to be and what I can never become.

You're the only one I find more than a human.

I know the others blame you for doing this. I don't, for I know you had to have some ultimate motives for doing what you did. You never did anything without good reasons, and I believe you had good reasons for this, also. The only thing I don't understand, and the only thing I want to know, is what those reasons are.

It's kind of funny, actually. I never thought of you as a suicidal type.

Life must go on, like you so many times told me. I'm going to marry Fred, who's also lost the only one he loved. He's nearest to Charlie I'll ever get, and I'm the nearest to his love he'll ever get. There's no that kind of love between us, we're both aware of that. The only thing between us is a friend-like love and respect, which may, by the time, grow to something more - but never enough to make us forget our former lovers.

I'll marry him, I'll take his name, I'll carry his children, I'll grow old with him. And all the time I'll be wishing it was Charlie on his place, just like I know he's going to hope it wasn't me on his side. But, as our first changes to happiness have been destroyed forever, all we can do is to grasp on the second best.

Just like you taught to me.

Tomorrow is going to be better than today, I know that. I may not believe in God, but I believe in you.

And you said there's always hope.

Hermione Granger

Soon-to-be Weasley

()

I'm sorry, Hermione. I know you've looked up to me - something I'll probably never be able to understand - and that what I'm going to do will most probably greatly disappoint you. I've tried to be the best mentor, friend, and a guardian I can. I hope it's been enough.

And I desperately hope you won't take after my exemplar in the ways of solving problems, no matter how invincible they seem to be. You are a strong young witch, Hermione. You've been through too much to follow my lead. But I know you're also too intelligent to do anything like that - to ever be as stupid as I am. I trust you, Hermione, to keep up the sensible thinking in the group of my friends.

However, I also trust you to remember that everything doesn't make sense, and everything doesn't have to make sense. Or is it logical that I had to get this -

I can't tell it. Merlin, I can't. I want to, but it's so hard... It's so hard to tell it to you.

Promise me, Sirius, that even after finding out what I have to say, you won't cry for me. I don't deserve it. I'm not worth of your tears. I'm worth of no one's tears, but especially not yours. I don't deserve your love, Sirius.

I don't deserve you.

What else have I given you but pain? Always, always pain and troubles. Nothing else.

()

_Please, I ask you, go away._

_Please, leave alone, please, not stay._

_I love too much to want you cry._

_I love too much to make you mine._

()

You asked if I was ill, Severus. Well, now you'll get your reply.

I am ill. I'm terribly ill. In fact, I can't imagine any worse disease - besides my Lycanthropy, which isn't a disease at all, but a horrible curse.

I have Leukemia. Blood cancer, if you prefer that term. By any name, by any term, it's something we can't fight against. No Muggles, no Wizards. It's invincible, and it'll slowly kill me.

It's even more horrible to me, because I'm a werewolf. The curse is in our blood, in our veins. Just where Leukemia hits.

I know what'll happen to me now on. The Lycanthropy and Leukemia will fight against each other in my blood. No matter what happens, I'll die in the progress. Die through suffering, through unimaginable pain, slowly, but quicker than those with only the disease.

I don't know if I'm fortunate or unfortunate.

I don't want it. Call me weak, call me a coward if you wish, but I can't face it. I've been through enough pain in my life already. Every full moon since I was four, I've been ripped in pieces and put back together. One would think I'm familiar with pain. Well, I am. I can bear a pretty reasonable amount of it.

But that doesn't mean I'd want it.

I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to see you suffer, any of you. Especially not you, Sirius. I love you with all my heart. And I know you'd suffer, seeing me sliding away slowly, so slowly. And I don't want it. I don't want you to suffer for me. I'm not worth of it.

I don't know why I'm doing this. Won't I only hurt you more by this? Probably, probably not. But you'll get over it. You'll all get over it. And then you'll be better than if I'd stayed.

()

_Please, I ask you, go away._

_I love too much to be said._

_And my love is hurting one,_

_I hate myself for what I've done._

()

Remus, Remus,

my only love ever,

I apologize for ever doubting your motives.

We found your letter, Remus. We found it today. I can't believe we didn't notice it before - not until the day before your funeral.

Fuck, I hate myself, Remus. If I'd only known... I'd surely been able to help you. If I had only noticed! I could have done something, something to make you feel better. Something to show you there are always options.

Oh, damn. Now I'm telling just that stuff you told in the letter you were afraid of hearing. Well, I don't care, love. You can tell me not to blame myself just as many times as you please, and that doesn't stop me from doing that. You know it. I'm like that because I love you, Remus.

Why you didn't let me love you more when you were still here?

We've all written letters to you, Remus, like you always wanted. They'll all be burned in the ceremony tomorrow, so you can read them in the Heaven.

I'm sure you're in the Heaven. I'll probably end in the Hell, but your place has been in Heaven from the day you were born as surely as Harry's place was in Hogwarts.

There are many things in my life I regret. Mistrusting you on the most important moment, for example. Even more I regret trusting Peter rather than you. I regret running after him, making him able to frame me for those murders. I regret not being there when Harry needed me. I regret not proposing to you earlier.

But most of all, Remus, I regret not telling you enough, "I love you."

I love you. I love you. I love you, Remus, with everything in me.

Remember how you tried to count the stars when we were young? You couldn't count them. We decided together they're endless. Nowadays we know they aren't - that there are about six thousands of them seen by a bare eye - but I still sometimes think that there's an infinite amount of them.

Think that every one of those infinite stars is a "I love you" from me to you. Even that isn't enough, but it's better than nothing.

I hope you'd let me love you more, Remus.

I hope you hadn't left me yet.

Sirius Black

()

The silver knife is ready. I'll use it right after I've written this letter. Because the knife is silver, it'll work even if it misses the goal. I'll die, quick and without too much pain.

And then it'll all be over.

My friends, Harry, Severus, Hermione, Ronald...

Thanks to you all for being with me for so long. For standing up for me, when everyone else was against me. Believing in me, when everyone else doubted me. Telling me everything, when everyone else mistrusted me. Loving me, when everyone else hated me.

I know I'm now going to betray it all. All trust, all support, all love I've received from you. And believe it or not, I'm sorry. I apologize for causing you this much sorrow and pain. But believe me, it's better than the only other option.

Don't blame yourself, Sirius - I know you'll do. It's nothing under your power what I decide to do or to leave undone.

I wonder if you remember that old ceremony I always adored - writing letters to the dead one and then burning them in the funeral with a ceremony to send them to the one who's gone. I always joked I'd want to have that done in my funeral. You always laughed and said that you'd be far gone when I'd be buried, if you only could have effect on it in any way. And then you'd tell me everything face to face in whatever place we would end to.

You haven't died yet, Sirius. Do me a favour and don't do it for some time. Find someone other to love. Enjoy your life, Sirius, because I love you and I want you to be happy. If you spent the rest of your life mourning, I'd be very unhappy.

If you committed a suicide to follow me, I'd be even more unhappy. I don't want you to die, Sirius. Not yet. You have still time - something I don't have. Use your time of life well, my love. Use it for both you and me, because mine was so much shorter than people's usually.

I feel so guilty writing something like that. I had a long and eventful life compared to many other people's. Compared to James's and Lily's, for example.

I hope I'll meet them there, wherever I'm going to. And then we'll together wait for you all - and don't you dare to come too soon, Sirius, or I'll be very, very disappointed.

Sirius, my lover, my husband, the light of my life... I love you. I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my body, all my being. I love you more than the life itself, because even when I'm ready to give up the life, I'd never give up you, if there was an option for me.

I'm sorry there isn't. At least there's nothing I could ever accept.

I love you, Sirius.

I hope I could have been with you for longer time.

Remus Black

former Remus Lupin

Aka Moony

()

_Please, I ask you, forget me._

_Never come back, never see._

_What I've done, I've done for love._

_Please, go and get better one._


End file.
